Reflecting

Simply the BEST

April has always been a hard month for me.  I lost the first true love of my life in high school while Spring was in bloom, last year this month I lost my big brother who entertained my conversations about which he already knew and just a week ago, another man who had such a huge impact on my life, took his, with a bullet to the head.

The news of Michael C. Ruppert’s unnerving suicide has made me think again of the many memories of years gone by and I’m overwhelmed with sadness.  His passion sparked a fire that spread rampantly throughout the lives of those who allowed it to light their way through the darkness.  Though it was dark, Michael spoke of no other way but to confront it and change it.

It hurts me so to think that a person who spoke the truth could no longer live with the pain while we’re lied to every day by those in power. 

Seeing Ruppert “perform” live on stage in 2005 changed my life.  He woke me up from a long induced sleep of beautiful beginnings and fairy tale endings.  Instead the facts he presented explained every reason why things were not as they appeared to be and how worse they would become.

My husband's favorite worn out gardening shirt

I remember walking out of that theatre nine years ago and wondering if others got the same message?  Sickened, angered, discombobulated, and scared about a future without electricity, without gas, without food?  I thought about my age and how I lived more than four decades not knowing the things he shared and it opened up a box full of books that I needed to read. 

I remember feeling depressed almost every day as I learned more.  I grieved for years and I missed the innocence of my childhood and the parents who were always there.  I knew both gave me the strength needed to continue building a case to never look back but to plough ahead in search of the truth.  Even though it was painful to read more, I found solace in learning the truth.

I questioned what my life would look like, living it differently.  I thought about the choices I had and how to make them speak for me.  I thought about a life without debt owed to any mortgage company, one where most of what I eat can be seen growing in a garden outside my window, a life where my choices will speak not only for me but for those who shout desperately and are never heard, a life free from consuming that which I don’t need to give to those who only know how to take.

Today I reflect on how I felt then and how I feel now.  My relationships with family have suffered, I have few women I can talk openly and honestly with and I miss the love of my daughter that has not been a part of my life for the last eight years, this is the pain I bear, every day of my life.

Some days are worse than others and I seek refuge wherever I can. 

I will miss hearing the voice of the Lifeboat Hour speaking to me as if he knew me, and I will always remember how he spoke to me that night nine years ago when the audience was so quiet as we listened. 

REFLECTIONS