Friday, August 19, 2011

Truth Hurts

     For years I’ve tried to embrace what I know.  Laughing and crying, discombobulated at times but always trying to understand the life that others live thinking they no longer have a choice to live another way. 
     As collapse happens, I look for changes to occur with those I know and love.  I see frustration, anger and resentment but little else to drive away their fear of anxiety, caught up in the propaganda that things are the way they’re suppose to be even when they themselves can see and feel the wrongness of it.
     While discovering the truth that has set me free I’ve also learned that both sides of the sword are sharp and can hurt me just as much as living the lie and maybe that’s the penalty I now must pay to nature since I need it more than it needs me.
       I try to live consciously being aware of the intricacy of the web that sustains me.  I challenge myself daily to find something harmful that I continue to do so I can stop doing it.  I think of death as I watch nature become more selfish in what it gives us.  I slide into base as the empire calls me out and I relinquish the bat to nature.
       I know that I’ve tried to live simply without incurring debt and challenging myself to live on less every year.  I have done so without the support of friends and family whom I can talk to and commiserate with while speaking openly and honestly.   I sometimes ask myself where I would be without my husband and best friend who for the last 34 years has encouraged me to search within myself for the answers that I needed, though I knew he would help me find them. 
     Recently our latest struggle depended on others to support us both.  We thought our quest for sharing our property and home with others had ended and that we found what we were looking for.  Unfortunately for all of us we’ll never know what might of become of our sharing as they were stopped by their emotions of leaving loved ones who choose to live life the way they always have.
       I now embrace the improbability of finding others to live alongside of us sharing and caring while preparing for a different future.  Though this was not my dream to live this way, I felt it was necessary for us to make it through collapse but I’ve learned that empire has destroyed our ability to fight back and am at peace knowing that I’ve done my best to try.
       I’m trying to embrace what I learn while living through collapse allowing myself to feel all of my emotions including but not limited to anger and grief. 
       Though the feeling of sadness predominates me right now and I hurt indescribably; I know that this will be like a “skinned knee” in comparison to what will come.